Scopitone

I still carry a lot of this issues I had as a child

I used to watch a lot of star-trek as a kid and it pissed me off. Like any right-minded child I loved space ships and lasers, so I was naturally drawn to the science fiction series. Occasionally it would pay of with medley of destruction and jargon, but more often than not it would descend in to a boring pit of morality and philosophy. 

A typical episode would feature the giant spaceship that all the characters lived on, being assailed by a powerful entity or creature(s). Then the crew or a single crewmember would have to reason with the being(s) and save the day. The aliens in question often took the form off an omnipotent gas or an omnipresent light bulb and so on.

Like an episode of sesame street the alien would learn the meaning of love or how to share, the crew would laugh and que the credits.

This pissed me off.

I wanted to watch a starship fight-a-thon. Not space-hippies in space. My imagination has always helped me deal with anger and disappointment. As the title credits rolled I would grab a large orange. If it looked like my blood lust would not be sated I would exact my revenge.

I would imagine that the orange was the Spaceship and I the god-like alien causing them grief. I would chuck the fruit in the air and let it fall to the ground, imagining the crew being shaken around inside their vessel. As I peeled away the skin, the engineer would report shield failure. Pleas of compassion would be sent my way and ignored.

When their shield completely removed I would tear off a segment and bite in half. Some one would inform the captain that the hull had been compromised and 18 people had just died.

At around this point in the show a crew-member would have a flash of inspiration and the problem would be solved. In my mind I watched them try to implement a life-saving plan (“It’s a long-shot but it might just work”) and fail. They get eaten.

I work my way around the ship until I’m left with one segment. Between thumb and forefinger I regard the last piece of the ship. Inside the only surviving crew member. If the show had reached this point, with everyone else dead then they would pull out a dues-ex-machina that would save the day.

Not today. This is no dream or holigram Jean-Luc Piccard.

The entire crew dies in my cut and the show is cancelled, ruining the lifes of the cast and production team.

Life is like a Hurricane....

Me and a few friends were taking part in that age old conversation: "..do you remember that cartoon from when we were kids"; the conversation that voids a persons status as a free thinking individual.

Talk turned to Disney's habit of cashing in on their older movies, using existing characters in new scenarios, for example, Tailspin which featured Baloo from the jungle book. Baloo would fly about in a seaplane whilst his navigator, a small cub surfed the cloud behind, like one would if water skiing at 15'000 feet. 

Imagine if this were real

Picture it. A seaplane flying through the air with a long length of rope trailing out the back. On the end of the rope, tied around the waist is a screaming baby bear, bouncing about at a terrify speed. 

"Baahhhhh! Baahhhhh!

baby bears sound like sheep

Why? Who would do such a thing? Jump cut to the cock pit. It's a bear! A poor grizzly panicking in the confines of the cabin, as the plane starts to hurtle towards earth. Comedic anthropormophic close up of the big bear looking left and right. He doesn't know how to fly a plane (hahahahahahahah)

Jump back to the terrified baby bear, hurling head over heals, bleating with every jerk of the rope. The rope attached to a falling plane.

Back to the cabin. The bear is going ape, growling and tearing at the walls. He's scared too. 

TAILSPIN!

Back Tuva Future

If you could to what this man does then you would have a grin just as big

John Martyn

R.I.P

Back when Mickey was a dick

"..Because Things That Are Not Can't Be!"

I know nothing about this guy, he made me laugh for ten minuets straight and his name is Louis C.K. (Watch it to the end, the pay off is amazing)

Jean Claude....

...Vannier, the mastermind behind the string arrangements on Serge Gainsbourgs 'Melody Nelson', provides the soundtrack for Yves Saint-Laurent fashion show.  

Last Words

I came across the quote from Carol Burnett, an american comedian, remembering the last moments of  her recently deceased grandmother:

"She said to my husband Joe from her hospital bed 'Joe, you see that spider up there?' There was no spider but Joe said he did anyhow. She said 'Every few minutes a big spider jumps on that little spider and they go at it like RABBITS!!' And then she died...."